10 weeks

I go in Tuesday for my first real appointment. I am really nervous. This morning I was just thinking to myself how I was feeling really good and not so pregnant. It was getting me really worried. I don't want to go through another miscarriage. It is always a lingering thought in the back of my mind. Well, not really. It's sort of always in the front of my thoughts. What if I miscarry again? Will I want to try to get pregnant again? I don't think I will want to. Adoption would seem like such a better idea than another failed pregnancy. But then everything fell into place as I lost my breakfast this morning and I have not been feeling all that well the rest of today so far.

But still, these thoughts are always nagging at me. And then it would be nice to have another girl. What if this one is a boy? Would I then try for another baby hoping for a girl. I don't think I am up to all the hardships I go through with the beginning of the pregnancy. Its not the sickness or even fatigue that drive me crazy. Its the wondering. The question if everything is all right with baby or will this end up yet another disaster.

Overall, I think Hubby and I will have to be doing some serious praying to try and decide if this is going to be our last. We had originally thought from the beginning that 5 was a good number. But since having the miscarriages we have been doing a bit of thought shifting.